we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
