The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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