True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
