Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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