He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
