So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
