Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
