I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
