a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
