So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
