I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
