Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
even my farts smell like vagina
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I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
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yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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