The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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