dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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