i just sent this text using only my big toe
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
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He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
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Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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