A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
