I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
