As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
