he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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