The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I need a beard to bite.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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