if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
this boner is exhausting
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
