awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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