He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
