Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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