I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
