he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
