what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
