When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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