I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
