I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
