Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
