If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
