I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
