Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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