I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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