i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
