Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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