Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
