The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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