I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
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The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
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First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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