Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
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Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
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PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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