So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
