I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
