I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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