i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
