morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
