And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Boobs speak an international language.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
