I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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