i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
