When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
