he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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