My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
