Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
