6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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