Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
