the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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