UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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