I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
